The Epstein Excursions

One month ago, Trump was taking heat for protecting pedophiles. Now he's kidnapping heads of state and threatening to invade NATO members. It's an authoritarian move to distract from domestic controversies by creating external conflicts. Please stay focused.

The Timeline

These events unfolded rapidly:

Dec, 2020: U.S. Attorneys investigating Epstein's crimes indicate that Trump has flown on the Lolita Express (Epstein's private jet) "many more times than previously has been reported (or that we were aware), including during the period we would expect to charge her in the Maxwell case. In particular, he is listed as a passenger on at least eight flights between 1993 and 1996." Source: PBS NewsHour.
Nov 19, 2025: The "Epstein Files Transparency Act" is signed into law, mandating the release of all documents related to Jeffrey Epstein's criminal activities and associations within 30 days. Source: Congress.
Dec 19, 2025: Trump largely ignores the deadline. In a January 5 court filing, the Justice Department indicated it had posted approximately 12,285 documents pages while more than 2 million documents have been withheld while under review. Source: The Guardian.
Dec 30, 2025: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed in a New York Times interview that Trump yelled, "My friends will get hurt!" when she pressed him about the withheld Epstein documents. Source: New York Times, People.
Jan 1, 2026: Republican Congresswoman Lauren Boebert publicly breaks ranks with Trump and implies that his veto of a bipartisan water infrastructure bill was retaliation for her voting to release the Epstein files. Source: ABC.
Jan 3, 2026: With support among his base crumbling for the first time at home, Trump starts creating chaos abroad: bombing Venezuela and kidnapping their president, posturing to invade NATO allies, and threatening war with Iran. Source: NPR.

The national media immediately switched gears to covering Trump's foreign adventures, largely ignoring the Epstein files controversy. This is a classic authoritarian tactic to distract from domestic issues by creating external conflicts.

Suggested Terminology:

To avoid further confusion regarding Trump's motives and actions, I propose the following terminology:

The Epstein Excursions: A series of wars and threatened wars intended to distract from the fact that the French Fry Führer is featured prominently in the pedophile files.
The Maxwell Maneuver: A strategy where you send your deputy attorney general for an "interview" with a convicted pedophile and then days later (i) the pedophile says you're great, and (ii) the pedophile gets transferred to a minimum-security prison with no explanation.
The Lolita Lens: Trump flew on the pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's airplane, the Lolita Express, "many more times than previously reported" and is almost certainly implicated in Epstein's crimes and the documentation related to the investigation. The Lolita Lens is the perspective that Trump and his allies will use any tool at their disposal—including war abroad and oppression at home—to protect themselves from exposure, and that this should be the primary lens through which we view and analyze their actions.

Viewing ICE and Other Chaos through the Lolita Lens

The driving force behind Trump's actions is always self-preservation. The Epstein files represent the only real challenge to his authority so far through his second term. His inflammatory remarks after the ICE murder in Minneapolis, his threats to imprison Democratic politicians, and his musings about the Insurrection Act have one important thing in common: they keep the media from discussing the fact that he is friends with pedophiles and using the presidency to protect them.

Less Sophisticated, More Dangerous

So no, Trump is not "playing 3D chess." He doesn't have a foreign policy doctrine. He was cornered, wounded, and desperate, so he changed the conversation. It's simple and crude, and if we allow this tactic to succeed, he will become more bold. As the stakes are raised, he will become more dangerous. We cannot allow ourselves to be led around so easily. We must reunite in a bipartisan way and refocus: Transparency and Accountability for the Epstein Class—Now.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a journalist, and some or all of the above may contain or otherwise be sullied by errors of ommission or fabrication, improper conjectures, and clumisly attempted satire. Other statements, particularly any that may give rise to any injury or legal risk, are fiction or said entirely as a joke.